Good news(:

Well today I found out that even though I am graduating early I still get to go to prom
, E15, and disneyland with everyone! I'm so excited that I still get to be apart of all of this at the end of the year. I know I'm going to miss everyone when I dont get to see you everyday so getting to do these things with you makes me feel better a out leaving.
I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to stay in touch with alot of you but now I know I will get to see you all multiple times before graduation day.

Well that was my good news today,but yesterday i was given good news too. So this year all I asked for for Christmas was a gym membership because I am turning into a chunkymunk. Well my mom looked into it for me and she ran the idea by my dad and he instantly said no, and he was being so unreasonable that my mom decided that she was going to get it for me anyways. I'm so happy because I know I will really use this present and I'm just so thankful that my mom is going to xo this for me.
Well that's my good news for the week, but the week is not over(:!

Christmas

So I'm excited for Christmas this year because I think I really did a good job with presents. I even bought my mom a gift by myself this year. I spent about thirty dollars on her so I really hope she likes the perfume and lotion a got for her at bath and bodyworks. If not I saved the receipt. Usually I feel like I can never get anyone a decent Christmas present, most of the time because I can't really afford it, however this year I really tried even though I still couldn't really afford much.
It is nice when I receive gifts but I think this year I honestly enjoyed buying everything for my friends and family more than trying to squeeze out information about my own gifts. I think Christmas itself gives me this feeling of kindness because it fills me with warmth and happiness. It makes me feel so grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life.

Wounds

I never thought it would be so hard to walk five feet in front of me.
I never thought it would be so hard to hold back salty tears from slipping over the egde.
I never thought it would be do hard to stand in font of 195 people, and look them in the eye.
I never thought it would be so hard to stand on the other side with my friends and teachers.

I never thought someone could care so much about me.
I never thought someone would let the tears spill over.
I never thought someones arms folded tightly around my shaking body would be just what I needed.
I never thought someone I didn't know could have a string connection with me.

Not until today.
Not until I relinquished the streams from my shining eyes.
Not until those heartwarming arms were the only thing holding me together.
Not until my ignored wounds were ripped open, and I reveled them to strangers.

Obsession.

Thoughts circulate.
Haunting and cursing.

Images fabricate never
Dissolving for only a second.

Soft thumps, quick shadows:
Chilling whispers and unwanted figures.

I don't want you there,
Stuck.
Always there, never giving me

A break.

Powderpuff(:

So basically seniors are awesome and totally beasted tonight at the game against the juniors. Cari and I were the rejects and only played for a short amount of time but we did good when we were in and we had a lot of fun! I'm really proud of our whole team. The juniors were talking a lot of shit and we showed them, haha. I'm not very competitive but I really enjoy being apart of the class of 2011.
I actually understand more about football now, which is good since I am a cheerleader. I also surprised myself withhow much I was able to run and how fast could run when I played defense.
Tonight was such a great nightbut I'm super exhausted since I had a two hour cheer practice right before. Hope everyone who went to the game and everyone who was apart of it had a fun night!

dream.

your face and figure filled the hazy images of my unconcious mind.
 your voice was heard from a tunnel that seemed to be miles away.
 your laughter filled the artificial air in the claustrophobic snowglobe.

a trap.

my eyes searched for your presense, flying from side to side.
my ears listened hard for the familiar song, the song that used to play on repeat.
my heart screamed out for its missing piece.

but you were gone.

You are no longer apart of the slideshow of my life, your pictures froze.
You are no longer the song I wake up to in the bright, early morning, nor the lullaby that sings me to sleep.
You are no longer

here.

Im ready.

Im ready to get out. I cant stand this anymore.  I deal with stupid, annoying, immature people all day. I deal with constantly being judged about either my looks or the choices I make.  Im constantly being asked,"and you dont think youre too young?" I cant take this stupid shit anymore, i want out.  I dont want to deal with these imbeciles anymore and im tired of people looking down on me.  Does it really make you feel better to point out my flaws? Obviously, im not as skinny as most girls and i do get the occasional pimples, but nobody is perfect. Yet, i feel like im not good enough for anyone because im not perfect.
Im a zombie walking through the halls of a prison, barely carrying myself from place to place. I sit, i write, i work, and then do it all again five more times. Everyday. It wouldnt be so bad if i didnt have to deal with the drama, complaints, and ridiculous remarks. I know that life will always be like this no matter if im in college or i have a job, but at least i know i have a future.
The problem is im stuck for eight more weeks, and i feel like im not getting anywhere at the moment.  Im ready for my life to pick up.  High school forces you to live life a certain way but now im ready for more, more opportunites. Im ready to make a life for myself.  I dont want to be pushed down anymore, at least not here. Not where i feel like there is no point in getting back up.  Out there they will push you down, but out there is where i want to get up, more than anything. Out there is where i want to be. Out there is what im waiting for.

Damage

A rotten core,
Prey eaten alive by a venomous creature.
A hardened shell of nothingness,
Disected and digested.

That's who I have become,
Because of that cold-hearted villain
I once gave all my faith to.
You- the one I at one time, trusted.

You spit at the sight of my wincing pain
And cackle at the memories of warm, salty rivers streaming
Down my innocent features.
Features now moulded into hatred and distruction.

I will mutilate your every being.





*completely random poem that popped into my head. Nothing specific triggered it but I would like constructive criticism and help editing it. Please and thank you(:

The day has finally come...

Today is mine and trevors one year anniversary. I can't believe how fast time had gone. I've realized how much the two have us have been through this past year and it amazes me to think about the fast that a whole year has hone by already. I'm the happiest girl in the world. Trevor is officially my fiance and we are officially engaged(: he proposed to me in the same place he asked me to ne his girlfriend one year ago. It was perfect and I had to hold back tears, but I couldn't have imagined it any better. It was special to us and it's something that we will never forget. I am now wearing my dream ring, it's white gold princess cut and perfectly sized for my finger. This morning I woke up as trevors girlfriend and tonight I will go to bed as trevors fiance. I'm bursting with happiness and I can't stop smiling!

Rant #2

So basically i'm tired of being me.  No matter how hard i try i'm just not happy with the way i look.  I look in the mirror and i see a hideous monster, and i hate it.  My friends tell me im pretty but i just dont see it no matter how hard i try.  Ive tried going on diets where i cancel out junk food, and i work out regularly, but im still not satisfied. I try making myself look perfect  (even though i know ill never reach perfection) but im still never even slightly pleased with my looks.  I try just accepting that i will never look the way i want to but that just makes me want to cry.  Why cant i be happy? Why cant i be one of "those beautiful girls"? Why cant i be skinny? Why cant i have long, shiny hair? Why cant i have a perfectly smooth complexion? Why cant i just be satisfied with myself, instead of despising everything i see when i look in the mirror?

I miss...

this is an add on to what i wrote in creative writing today.

i miss threatening to burn Mrs.Hasketts snuggie.
i miss Chellsee Lee defending her absolutely hideous crocs.
i miss Trevors rants that went on and on even after the class had already clapped for him.
i miss the Us of America and Pablos strong stance against the USA
i miss how tan Annie was
i miss Izzy killing Patrick Swayze.
i miss Caris lessons about life.
i miss Freds one liners.
i miss Collins "lolcatz".
i miss the Bleep sub and how freedom of speech went right out the door with Lindsay.

there is so much i miss from last year and i hope that this class can become closer and more trust worthy soon.

Rant #1

So basically I am graduating early this year and it really sucks that a lot of people aren't supportive of my decision.  Everyone keeps telling me that its not worth it because I will be missing out on my senior year and everyone is thinking of every excuse and reason to get me to stay all year instead of being happy for me. Sometimes, people who don't know me that well will reply with "that's cool" but I know what they are really thinking.  I worked really hard in order to have the opportunity.  I have been taking summer school every summer (including summer before freshman year) in order to get all my credits early.  Some people think that the only reason why I want to leave school early is because Trevor graduated last year.  When that is not a reason.  We do perfectly fine with me being in school now and we could easily do for a full year.  I had been working towards this goal for almost four years, way before Trevor came into the picture. Quite frankly I'm proud of myself but it would be a lot easier to enjoy the last three months I have here at Manteca High if my friends and teachers were more supportive and we actually proud of me. I try to ignore the rude comments I get about how I'm not enjoying my life or that I'm growing up too fast but when you hear it every day it starts to bring you down...

Blehhhh

Well, I actually have so much on my mind that I don't know what to write for my blog. My mind is racing and I feel outside of myself, as if my body is an empty shell and I'm helplessly watching it rot from the outside. Wow, that sounded mildly depressing, but really I'm just not in the greatest place right now. I guess that's the best way to put it. I just want it to be Saturday, September 10th will be long gone but I will still have Alejandra here to help me escape from anything I can't deal with. I swear I will write a better blog soon but I just have so much going on inside my head that I can't even organize it all by writing. Usually, writing does help but every time I think about every thing I feel sick. I'm just down, blehhh I need to get happy!!

Ohh and this may sound super lame but my friends Adrienne and Michelle have challenged me to try and do my hair and makeup different everyday for a whole month, starting tomorrow. I plan on succeeding, but unfortunately this means getting up earlier for school=/

How do I fix this?

So basically, I feel like my home is an apartment complex. My room is my apartment and my parents are just my neighbors who I'm forced to make conversation with if our paths ever cross. I avoid these moments at all costs. Im barely ever "home", instead I choose to be at Trevors, cheer practice, fairfeild with alejandra or even in Castro valley with trevor at his dads. My mom tells me she misses talking to me but that's what she said last time and I would hardly call arguing a conversation. I try to be the bigger person and have a civilized conversation but she won't listen to me. Ever. So I come home at ten on school nights and twelve on weekends, I wake in my "apartment" avoid my neighbors, do my chores, and leave. I don't want to be here, and I hate that I don't have a relationship with my mom. I feel horible and guilty, I don't know what to do..

Well, I'm really excited for this blog because I've always wanted to do one but I've always been to lazy, so now I have a reason to write one. I just want to start off by saying that I hope this class can be like a family and we all can use this class to express ourselves and just have people that will listen to what we have to say. Everything anyone in this class shares or writes is important. Last year this class was a place where I felt at home and I felt comfortable sharing anything I needed to, so I hope for the best this year! I feel sort of lame for writing that but I wasn't quite sure how to start off this here blog.
So, Trevor and I watched this really interesting movie called Boys Don't Cry its about a women who dresses and pretends to be a man. She/He falls in love with another women and ends up being killed when her new friends discover she is really a women. I felt so sad and angry after watching this because I hate how people think they are better than others and think they have the right to take someone elses life away from them. This movie did take place about twenty years ago, and I think in the last few years we have become more tolerate of these types of incidents, well at least our generation has. This movie just got me thinking about how I'm glad that I can be open minded(: